Mirror!Mirror!

I didn’t know that looking at the mirror would be this hard. It’s not of course because I look that bad or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t really like what I see. Everytime I face my reflection, I see my dad. Shit! We look so much alike. It’s actually so hard to look at yourself and at the same time realize that the person who have hurt you the most is part of you. It breaks my heart just to realize that the person who made me live was the one who let me die too. I never actually talk about this infront of anybody, except for Jc of course. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends or relatives. It’s because I don’t like the attention. I don’t like people to pity me. And I don’t want reality to sink into my thoughts everytime. It’s enough already that I cry everynight or I close my eyes everytime my mum calls. It’s enough already that I weep in silence while everybody sleeps. We were discussing in my Psychology class about how a person can go through life even with the anxiety that is caused by uncertainty towards the things that might happen. My professor asked us how people could live in this world knowing that we do not have security or assurance of a good and peaceful life. And then this classmate of mine answered, in a very positive way, that if we would just take in consideration the reasons of why bad things happen to us, of why some people do cruel things to others, we might lessen this anxiety and move on. I say, that’s pure crap! Say that I take in consideration my dad’s reasons for having an affair, would that make a difference? Would I feel better? Would that stop my mum from weeping? Hell no! If we ought to consider those people’s reasons for doing such stupid things then the more that we should take in mind the repercussions of those deeds to the victims. I speak for all the good people who are going through a lot of shit. I speak for all those persons who are experiencing tough times. I speak for everyone who like me is just a victim of the cruelty of men. Shit happens, I know. I can accept that. But to accept the reasons of people for doing bad things…to understand them because of these reasons…that’s a different story. So what do I do now? Hmmm…I’ll just keep on staring at myself I guess. I’ll try to convince myself that looking like my worst enemy is really not that bad. I’ll try talking myself into accepting the fact that the person who ruined my family, my life, looks like me. I’ll try to make myself digest the reality that I may have to live my life looking at the mirror with so much hatred for the guy who gave me these physical features. I’ll hate him forever and I’ll never forgive him.