Pressure.

The internship program is about to start on the first week of next month. It’s funny how deliberate I am in taking for granted the requirements that should be done in order to participate in this program. As my colleagues busy themselves finding our advisers and getting endorsement letter signed and their resumes checked, I spend the supposedly useful hours of my day talking to people, asking them what they thought I liked the most.

Do I really like media? Or do I fancy the corporate world more? Am I good in sales or am I better in human resources? Would I like talking in front of people more than writing for them? Do I have what it takes to be a TV personality or would I be better off off-cam? Would I pursue a possible singing and song-writing career?

I have lived my life engaging in things that are very much diverse in nature. All things that can be learned, like playing the guitar, web page designing, cooking, or even peer counseling, all those things I tried to fit in my life. I didn’t want to limit myself on the things I am innately good at, like probably song-writing since my relatives are very good song writers in their times and maybe also, public speaking since my parents say I was born with a talkative mouth. And so, I joined contests or competitions that are well, not very connected with each other. But this summer, everything will change. Now I have to choose what career I want to pursue for the rest of my life.

The practical side of me says I should be in the corporate world where money is not a problem. My creative self tells me that I should venture in advertising so I can play around with my imagination conceptualizing advertisements. The people-oriented side of me on the other hand, tells me to engage in any human resource field or pursue a career in law where I can help people who are in need of justice but do not have enough money to go through legal proceedings. And lastly, my heart says I ought to be in media and use the things I learned in college or be in the music industry and sing my songs so everyone can hear.

I am forced to choose what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
The question now is, am I willing to give up those other things that I love to do? Am I willing to sacrifice the other fields I equally love just to make way for this one choice? No, I’m not.

All my life, I never limited myself. I wanted to be good at everything, or at least, know how to do most of the things people knew about. Although, inconsistent as it may seem, despite of the fact that these fields are very opposite in a sense, I fit it all in. I compromised, so I wouldn’t leave out any single part of heart that corresponds to every single activity I engage in.

This time, I’m still not willing to choose. But do I really have any choice not to choose? Fitting it all in is not possible this time. There’s no career that can accommodate all these bits and pieces of my life. There’s no job that demands for all these things. As they say, there can only be one.

This summer, I would be making the hardest decision I will ever make. I would be facing my inconsitent life face to face. I would be choosing between the opposite aspects of my life. And that is no easy thing to do.

I must choose. Oh darn.

So I guess, there no room for compromise now. Integration of these fields to find my future career would not be possible. A consistent whole where all of these fields would be integrated is not possible in this matter. Consistency will only be achieved if I do one thing, the thing I fear most in my life. That is, I have to choose, sacrificing those other aspects of my life and living up to that choice.

Before, I tried to fit all these things in my life so that I will never have regrets. I can always say that I knew even a little of everything. I wanted to grow old and say to myself that I’ve experienced everything life can offer because that will be the only thing that will matter, not the material things but one’s experiences.

Now, compromise would be different. Compromise would now mean being able to choose which of the things I like to do I am planning to pursue and which I am ready to set aside. Those other things would be just my hobbies, my pastimes, a source of diversion. Compromise would mean giving a larger part of my heart in one of my once equally loved activities. It means choosing and sticking in this decision.

Sometimes, I ask why people are given this amount of intellectual capacity but are still forced to choose between a lot of things. Can the world just accommodate everything?
April 2005 would be the start of my new journey. As I turn 20, my wholeness will change and my self as a whole would have a whole new meaning.