Dear Aries

The paragraphs hereon would be senseless if I do not, beforehand engage in a rather self-indulgent piece. So spare me if I try to tell you who I am, even if you may not care, even if you feel you have no business with me, through this kind of communication, ironically enough.

Perhaps you already know some information about me, the superficial ones I suppose. I'd like to think I'm the only one who can actually describe "me", accurately, justifiably, at least. I would not therefore, dwell on what is obvious. I'll tell you the side of me that concerns you and consequently the side of me that doesn't want to concern you.

I am never greedy. I share whatever I have and try to make up for whatever I don’t have. This is the reason why I’m practically stuck in an unending whirl of investments, both financial and emotional. But I know better than to sulk over these. This incapacity to move forward as an individual because of the people who depend on me - those who clamour for attention, support and love – are those that also make me strong. My existence is somehow justified through them.

But I too have to depend on someone sometimes as I am not perfection. I too have a responsibility to justify someone else’s life. And this responsibility I found in Jarreed. I have depended and trusted the most fragile side of me to him – that side I never show to a lot of people, this side of me that’s scared and vulnerable and insecure, this side of me that concerns you.

Forgive me if I hate you a little. Know that, as I feel this, I know I’m acting way below my perceived level of maturity. I am just hurt that you are able to make him choose to talk to you over my constant reminder that I feel uneasy with even a mere mention of you. I am just hurt because I feel I am cheated somehow and that I am not given a fair fight – I am given just the present, just his present while you, you have his past and now, you’re here too.

I do not ask that you go or avoid him or to do anything in impulse as such will dig me deeper in the ground. You will gain his sympathy while I will be treated with a shrewd look every time matters of the past are discussed. You will have the advantage that while he thinks I am “irrationally, illogically and immaturely jealous”, you are “understanding, selfless and respectable.” I do not want to be in that place. Please do not put me there.

Forgive me if I hate you a little. I am given just the present, just his present while you have his past. And although, I’d like him to keep you there, you now are here. This is the part of me that concerns you. And I vow that this will be my last mention of it. I have reached the crux and I am moving on.

I will now take it on good faith that Jarreed makes the right decision and be happy with it. Or, he can make his mistakes and learn from them. I will erase every single presumption I have of him and you. I will work hard through long hours and live my life with the constant knowledge of its precariousness. I will love more but depend/expect less. I will concern myself only with people that matter to me – those whom I matter too. This is the side of me that doesn’t want to concern you. And I will stick by it and stand firm on it.

You have to fogive me if all of this came off as offensive to your sensibilities. Know that I have to forgive myself too, for doing this.