You came at my weakest. You were with me at the time when I was so down. You’re words were my source of strength and you served as my reason to smile. You deserve my biggest thanks. I know I’ve not been the best advisee. I know I haven’t been treating you the way you should be. I’m sorry.
If you could’ve met me in a different place, in a different time, you’d probably think that I’m not that bad and that there’s a trace of maturity in this silly head of mine somewhere too. If only I wasn’t this vulnerable. If only I was myself these days. I want you to know me as me, not the helpless girl who cries whenever you talk to her on the phone. Not even the melodramatic person that you perceive of me. I want you to meet bang. But unless you erase every single notion you have about me, unless you start from zero and get to know me again, you’ll never know who I really am.
I’m sorry if this may sound like I’ve been untrue to you. It’s just that, I couldn’t be myself at the time you met me. I couldn’t risk being myself. I didn’t trust myself enough to handle that kind of pain. I hope you understand.
You were a good friend. And I will never forget you. Someday, God will repay you for all the things you did for me. I hope we can still be friends. Stay sweet.
1. Should I let go and move on? 2. Should I hang on and fight? 3. If I let go would you run after me? 4. Is this really happening? 5. What am I gonna do now? 6. I’ll call him and run after him myself. 7. Shit! What am I thinking? 8. Oh my God, please help me. 9. Hey girl, you can do this! 10. No I can’t 11. Why is this happening? 12. I don’t deserve this 13. Liar, you do deserve this. 14. This is too much. 15. Somebody please help me. 16. It’s too hot here. 17. I want to go back to manila. 18. I want to see him. 19. Maybe, he’ll change his mind. 20. I love him so much. 21. I love you so much. 22. God, give me strength. 23. God, please hear me. 24. God, please… 25. Jc, please come back. 26. It’s late. I need to sleep. 27. I can’t stop thinking about you. 28. Bang, give yourself a rest. 29. God, please make everything alright when I wake up 30. I’m going to sleep now kinkin. 31. I love you jc. 32. I love you.
I really don’t have anything to say right now. I’m just bored I guess. I don’t know if I really want to write or I just want to burn time. In fact, I’m even not sure if I appreciate this free time. I want to be in an island and stay at a very pretty cottage where I can see the sea and the sun. I want to lie under the sky during the night and stare at the stars. I want to be in a cozy cottage with a fireplace while drinking a cup of chocolate drink while the rain is pouring outside. I want to be in a stadium and play basketball at night. I want to be up in a stage and sing without anyone watching. I want to be alone. I really don’t know anymore what it’s like to be by myself. Everytime I’m the only one at the house, I still feel that I’m not the only one. Of course, it’s not anthing paranormal. I guess, I’m just always preoccupied with the idea that I have a boyfriend and a big circle of friends. I forgot about what being alone felt like and frankly, I’m missing it right now.
There’s no implication to this of course. It’s not about me and my guy or me and my great friends.
It’s about me.
I want to be alone because I feel like it’s something I have to do…again.
I need to know the feeling. I need to experience the pain of being lonely and the longing for someone to own me. I need to feel the excitement, the curiosity of what intimacy feels like.
I need to make myself reminded why I chose not to be alone in the first place.
