just a random thought

So this is Simone...

straight hair...

long legs...

tall...

white...

blonde...

she's nothing like me..ermm... i'm nothing like her

will i be better off being who she is...or being like her at least?

Well it'll sure be something if I can just pose like her infront of the camera...It'll be something (for some maybe) if i'll have her supermodel body.

But then again, that's not me...

Yes I'm simone. I'm simone vanessa. Being like that girl in the picture leaves out the "vanessa" in me. I'm simone + vanessa. not just simone..not just like her...

Am i something more? ionno.

RAIN

You always came when I least expect it. You always came when I didn't want you to. And when I finally want you to be here, you're not...

I don't like the mix of emotions you cause me whenever you're near. It's like a feeling of relaxation, sadness and loneliness all at the same time. One moment, i just wanna smile and then suddenly all turns gray like I wanna just lock myself up in my room. Somehow you bring back the child in me. When you're here, I just wanna run like a kid not minding anything. When you're here, I immediately remember Wonderland, late-night hide and seek, walkie-talkies and treehouses. But then, when you're here I also remember lonely days, those days when all I could do is cry. Your presence seems to give me an instant feeling of loneliness, like I'll never smile again. Contradictory, i know.

Right now though, right now that you're here, it seems like I've missed you. I've missed the times when i could just embrace you...those times when I still haven't associated you to anything negative..those times when life was easy and innocent...and free.

I'll love you again...one day maybe...one day...maybe...

dreams

a friend had this line posted in her blog...

"If all dreams come true, there's no sense in dreaming anymore"

No doubt about that...i just hope we'll get to choose what dreams would and wouldn't come true...

I mean, even if we get to choose, that's still gunna be hard for me. For a girl who has lots of dreams...choosing among those dreams would be like choosing between shopping for tops and umm...shopping for shoes...hahaha..both shopping...well, you know what i mean.

But yeah, it's a given that not all of our dreams come true. Right, because if that's so then it'll forfeit the purpose of dreaming itself...*sigh* that's just one of the bitter realities we just have to get used to.

I hope I'll get this one dream i have in mind though. Never mind the others, just this.

If this one comes true, I'll never have to dream again...i'll have all that i wanted right here...right here with me...right here with me now....and that's all i want...that's all i'll ever want...just that.

clap...clap...clap...*happy*

Laptop's getting full of these unposted blogs...anyway, read on...

Sometimes when I’m alone, I think of the good times.

It’s not all bad with Jonathan. I mean, I know it’s just puppy love but bottom line is it’s still love. And for one period of time, he was my only reason to smile, my greatest motivation to get out of bed every morning, my first and last thought everyday we were together. He was my good vibes. Everything then was bliss. Every hard task seemed not that hard and I seemed to enjoy everything I did. I enjoyed school at that time. I loved the dawn because it was the only time we got to talk long hours over the phone. Yeah, I have to admit I was happy. It never worked but it wasn’t all that bad.

I miss jacklyn and Czarina. We could’ve made it. It could’ve been BEA forever. We were like the inseparables before. We laughed our lungs out at almost everything. We went to each others’ houses and visited each other often. We went boating and played the dance revolution game in the playstation. We had this addiction of collecting this brand of t-shirt and we had this unintentional fortune of getting linked with guys born in the 13th of April. I can’t forget the time when we stayed late in school. We just stayed there, enjoying each others’ unique company. Yeah, unique. I can never replace the times we spent together. I can never replace you both.

I think the first nicest thing I’ve heard is when this girl, Cristine Joy, from gradeschool, introduced me to her parents as her bestfriend. I’ve never had a bestfriend at that time. That was the first. It felt overwhelming. I felt really special. I never forgot that day. I can still remember the whole thing, the exact words that were uttered, the exact place, everything. Sometimes, I just wish we didn’t have to graduate in grade school. Then maybe, joy and I couldn’t have been this indifferent with each other.

When I graduated in pre-school, my siblings sort of gave me this gift. They were plastic flowers, the ones that never withered. In the box, it said, we’re proud of you ate. Just the thought of that gift makes my heart melt. Yeah, those flowers were synthetic, but they were real enough for me…and they never withered. I have them all in my heart.


Romeo. He was literally my romeo. Romeo Velasco Jr. was the first guy to ever give me chocolates and court me at home and literally announce his plan of courtship to everybody I knew. He was Romeo for 3 years. And I was his little hard-to-get-but-obviously-likes-me girl. He gave me this bracelet which had the words I love you written on it. He treated me to a play in their school and proudly introduced me to his friends, with the that’s-my-girl-isn’t-she-pretty look on his face. He had their fridge alphabet magnet arranged so it spelled my name. He said sweet things whenever he talked to me and he did crazy stuffs for me (besides tag along for 3 years with my brat attitude). He literally had to pretend and lie to his cousin that he was helping him to court me (coz back then his cousin was the one who’s courting me) so he can talk to me over the phone. I couldn’t imagine how he managed to change his voice like his cousin’s so he can tell me that he (romeo) likes me. He couldn’t tell it himself, even if it was on the phone. I thought it was cute. Our relationship was cute. And I can never really forget that guy and of course, the things he did just to have me as his girlfriend. I don’t think I told him I liked him too. Thanks JR for making me feel that I was the prettiest girl.

angst...angst...angst...(the german word for agony?!?)

just one of those files I saved in my laptop...should've posted this months ago...


The biggest irony in the nature of man is the fact that he constantly longs for everything to fall into place…and when everything is, he’s still not contented.

For almost three years now, I have been a rebel. The unchangeable fact about my dad’s extra-marital affairs crushed me so much, I have never been the same since that day I have confirmed that the little hunch I had of his womanizing turned out to be not so little after all. My favorite guy in the whole world…gone…just like that.

I kept telling myself that now that he’s gone, no one’s gunna hurt my family anymore. Nobody can hurt me any longer. But it didn’t turn out that way. He’s there, happy now and I’m here…still a rebel.

I ask myself, a rebel to what? Everything’s falling into place now. I’m doing great in my studies. I have the best boyfriend in the world. My siblings and I never had better relationship than what we have now. What more is there that I don’t have now?

It’s been three years since that day I lost my dad and yet I’m still here on the same ground…rebelling…rebelling till it hurts…rebelling till I exhaust myself…rebelling till I unlearn the art of feeling…rebelling against myself.

*tears*